Fanfiction
by Copper Rain
Summary: Harry Potter discovers the horror of crackfics, senseless pairings, and the power of the fourth wall in a *generally* mentally unstable, adventure filled day.


**A/N Thanks for reading!  
This was supposed to be an anti-Valentine's Day fic, because, well, it just was, and then I just got lazy so it was a day late then I got lost on the road to life and then I was just lazy again and I'm sorry! Please don't kill me and hide me behind a bush or even worse, UNDER one. Think of the all the dogs marking their territory *Shudders*. Sorry, back on topic. I have a really bad attention span, which might just be one of the reasons it took me longer to finish this? *Cough* *Hint* *Excuse* *Hint* *Cough* Oh, and there is an author's note at the end of the story, sort of explaining my reasoning and viewpoint regarding slash and stuff.**

It had been a normal day in the life of Harry Potter... or normal enough, for his standards. However, a couple things had happened that day that he had never expected, and hopefully will never have to again because of a certain circumstance regarding his mortality (or lack of confirmation with this subject, perhaps).

*Flashback*

"Potter! I've a bone to pick with you!" Draco Malfoy, resident Slytherin bully, strutted over to the Gryffindor table in the Grand Hall. He slammed a huge stack of papers down on the table, all cover in tiny lines of typed writing. They were... stories?

"What now, Malfoy? Become civilized enough to read, finally?" snarked Ron with a sneer on his face.

Completely ignoring Ron, as he normally does, Malfoy spoke again, his face livid with anger and- was that queasiness? "I demand you get rid of these disgusting, barbaric, horrible-"

"Woa, woa, woa. What the heck do you mean? They are just bloody stories Malfoy, probably written by some teenage girls, maybe some guys! I'm pretty sure you might, but I don't want to be a dream-crusher of any more adolescent girls..." Harry retorted, then mumbled, "Merlin knows how many I've already crushed in the fanclubs."

"No, Potter, contrary to many beliefs, I wouldn't. However, I am perfectly satisfied with destroying these dreams. Read them."

"W-what?"

"Read the bloody fictions Potter!" Shoving the top stack of manuscripts at the Boy-Who-Lived, he shivered, as if free from a burden.

The blond-haired male grabbed the emerald eyed boy and pinned him against the wall of the broom closet. Kissing him furiously, the Boy-Who-Lived moaned out a name.  
"Draco-"

"WHAT!?" Horrified, Harry flipped the page to start reading the next paper.

Draco grabbed Harry's hand and growled in his ear,"You're mine now."

and the next

Harry just couldn't believe that Draco was his new boyfriend!

and the next until he was as pale as the full moon. Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, Draco tossed down a lone manuscript, a single page long.

"I can't take-"

"Just read it. Then you'll see what my poor, innocent eyes have had to go through."

Again, Ron chose this moment to butt in. "Really? Innocent my ass, Malfoy. You've tortured three year old girls for fun as part of your Death Eater training."

All Malfoy did was look solemnly at him. "Nothing is more gruesome and vile than what is written on that page."

With shaky hands, he picked up the lone page and started to read it.

"Kiss from the enemy, unwillingly taken-"

"WHAT." He turned to Draco, his vision slowly turning red. He remembered that moment from two years ago, and that DEFINITELY didn't happen.  
"WHAT WAS THAT... ABOMINATION."

"That, my ally, is the atrocity of what mudbloods call "Fanfiction"! And the last page..." Draco shivers a bit. " You'd expect that to be the only one of its kind. However, there are more than 1,500 others! We must go forth and destroy these... these..."

"Eyesores? Atrocities? Abominations? Grass and oil stains on the snow white shirt of humanity? And because of the precarious scenario that we are in right now, I will not judge you on the use of the word 'mudblood'. There are much more pressing matters than cursing."

"Not really sure where you were going with the last word to describe these, but yeah. pretty much. And thank you for the pardon on language. I have a feeling I will be needing it a lot in the coming days. As I was saying, we must wage war against the cliches, the senseless pairings, and Lord save me ("Do wizards even have a lord or god?" Hermione asked. "Of course!" Ron responded. "His name is Fawful!" ), mary-sues."

"Sounds all good, but what will be our weapons?"

"Ah, we have ourselves, reality, and..." He whispered the last part as if a secret. "Logic."

And so, the courageous pair fought, attacked mary-sue upon mary-sue, and used logic and the laws of reality to destroy the countless pointless pairings. They thought the day could never get be-

* * *

In a fourth wall sort of area, a red-head was currently typing on her laptop, when...

Wild RABID FANGIRL appears!

AUTHOR throws out, TWILIGHT BOX SET, EXTENDED CUT!

RABID FANGIRL is charmed!

AUTHOR tries to flee!

Couldn't get away...

RABID FANGIRL snaps out of the charm!

RABID FANGIRL uses B**** SLAP!

Super effective! AUTHOR fainted! AUTHOR is unable to battle, RABID FANGIRL is the winner! AUTHOR loses her laptop and her dignity and runs to the nearest Walmart to recharge on 23 cans of Coca-Cola (Snap! Snap! Bite! Crunch! Mmm... Oops! Wrong commercial... or is it?... It is. It's sorta obvious.)

[THE AUTHOR SHOULD NOT BE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL... SO, HOUDINI!] And the strange speaker disappears in a puff of nasty smelling dry ice and abrasive, cackling, maniacal laughter...

* * *

The now "proud" owner of the laptop starts to type where the previous owner had left off.

-tter, until Draco shouted out, "HARRY MY LOVE! LET US RUN AWAY TOGETHER AND LIVE WITH KITTENS AND UNICORNS AND RAINBOWS AND UNICORNS FARTING RAINBOWS AND OUR BIOLOGICAL BABY I LEARNED ABOUT 27.38 SECONDS AGO EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT ABLE TO HAVE THIS BABY IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM!

"DRACO! YES, LET US! GIVE ME A SECOND, I MUST RETRIEVE A WEDDING RING FOR YOU SO WE MAY BE BETROTHED EVEN THOUGH I'VE ONLY KNOWN AND TALKED TO YOU FOR A TOTAL OF MAYBE TWO OR THREE HOURS AND UTTERLY HATE YOUR GUTS MOST OF THE TIME!"

"Harry, you've got to snap out of it!" Hermione shouted, shaking her previous best friend by the shoulders.

"Merlin, Hermione... what happened?" asked Harry with a dazed expression. Said best friend hurriedly explained the what had happened, and the memories flooded back to him.

"NO, the thoughts, th-they're burning me up from the inside! There is only one way to end this!"

"AVADA KEDAsdfj! dsfjnsajcfiorj94mru3r(*nfec98fn4%$c8fccnufh4n.l3wiuhf449ofn.;,/.,fp4kcf,p

* * *

And the new author fell asleep on the keyboard trying to finish the fic that she was already late on from telling herself to stop flippin procrastinating late at night and finish the story before a whole 'nother week had passed.

**A/N Please don't be mad at me for the plot of this story. Trust me, I don't have anything AGAINST slash (I don't prefer to read it, but I will if it's well written sometimes), but sometimes the pairings just drive me up the wall. This especially goes for one of the all-time most popular slash pairings yet of Harry Potter - Harry/Draco. I mean, I semi - sorta get where all you people who ship this are coming from, but from my perspective (if it's not well written), it's like, "Yup! I'm just going to go make out with my new boyfriend who just so happened to have been torturing me for the last [state number of years at school] year(s) of my life for no apparent reason. Plus, if that doesn't work out, I can always get together with my executioner! Not having a nose is smexy... right?" And I'm not really sure about the Voldemort/Tom Riddle situation because I haven't really looked into it at all, but I DID go and search through books on this website to see how many hits came up with the restrictions of English for a language, any rating, romance as a genre, and Harry Potter and Voldemort or Tom Riddle Jr., and the number of hits that came up was approximately 1,600. I mean, comparatively speaking, that's only a 1:600 ratio [about], but still! I cannot see ANY reason with getting together with your parent's (and soon to be your) murderer! And finally, I've never read ANY mpreg fics, so I have no idea what they are like, but I find the whole idea behind them stupid. I mean, Is it really that bad to adopt? Plus, there is no way in hell that a baby could possibly occur in a man. So, yeah. I'm really sorry if you don't like this, but I really don't have anything else to say. Oh, and sorry for this super long semi-ranting semi-explaining thing at the bottom, I just had to get it out of my system. Again, Thanks for reading! (If you even bothered to read this monstrosity of an author's note).**


End file.
